Good news, betches. Baseball season has come to an end, which means you’ve finally gotten your boyfriend/hook-up buddy to shut up about the World Series.
Bad news? It’s time for another professional sports season: the NBA. But basketball season means plenty of eye candy and grown men who are more dramatic than Amanda Bynes. In case you want to pretend to give a shit about sports in a casual conversation, we’ve broken down which teams you should be paying attention to this season.
To be honest, there are really no redeeming qualities about the city of Cleveland, except for the sport’s biggest drama king of all: LeBron James. James, also known as “King James,” made his return to Cleveland this year after a few years of winning championships and hitting the clubs in Miami. Added bonus, he brought with him a nice piece of eye candy named Kevin Love. Love’s baby blues inspire loves in even the iciest of betchy hearts. Expect Cleveland to stay on top in the Eastern Conference and make a run in the playoffs.
The good people of Chicago love deep dish pizza, binge-drinking beer, and the Chicago Bulls. Luckily for the Chicagoans, the Bulls should be a pretty good squad this year, so they’ll be happily binge-drinking instead of crying and drowning their sorrows with the peasantry of Bud Light. The Bulls acquired the hottest rookie in this year’s NBA Draft, a 6’ 8” stud named Doug McDermott. Betchiest fact about the Bulls? Their star player Derrick Rose sat out most of last season with an injury, but still cashed in for $15 million. Cha-ching. He’s back this season, and so are the Bulls.
New York Knicks
Welcome to New York, a city that has been recently plagued with horrible basketball. This year, however, Madison Square Garden will be good for more than just sold-out Justin Bieber concerts. The Knicks finally have a good coach in Derek Fisher, who won more championships with the Los Angeles Lakers than the Knicks have won since ‘Nam. Carmelo Anthony is the star on and off the court. He’s married to B-List celeb Lala Anthony and has a bougie apartment on the Upper West Side. Go Knicks.
The Miami Heat may have lost LeBron, but they sure haven’t lost their swagger. To put it simply: the Heat are hot. Dwayne Wade is one of the best in the league, and he made moves off the court to score Gabrielle Union as a wife this year. Plus, there’s a dude who plays for the Heat that is tattooed head-to-toe and goes by “Birdman.” Creepy or cool, we’re not sure, but that’s street cred one hundo percent. The only way the Heat don’t make the playoffs is if the squad hits bottle service at LIV too hard the nights before game days.
Los Angeles Clippers
The best in the west? Move over, Lakers, the Clippers have taken the crown for best Los Angeles team. Or at least, the most expensive. Billionaire Steve Ballmer purchased the Clipshow for a balmy $2 billion this year, which is pocket change for one of the richest men of the world. Holy shit, nonetheless. Blake Griffin and Chris Paul headline the Clipshow’s accomplished roster, but the real star of this team is Chris Paul’s son. This four-year-old ladykiller has a wardrobe and shoe collection that even Carrie Bradshaw would envy. Plus, the Clippers are in Los Angeles. Win or lose, they still booze.
Everything’s bigger in Texas. Even the white guys. The Mavs have the dynamic pale duo of Dirk Nowitzki and Chandler Parsons, two of the leading forwards in the league. Chandler Parsons is also the leading man in our fantasy love lives. Plus, Shark Tank extraordinaire Mark Cuban owns the Mavericks. If there’s anything that Mark Cuban loves more than yelling at the referees, it’s making money. To make money in the NBA, you gotta win games and make the playoffs. The circle of life.
Poor, Memphis. In case you didn’t know, football is king in the south. Tim Riggins probably has a stronger fan base in Memphis than the Grizzlies. But the thing is, Memphis is a sneaky good basketball team. Marc Gasol is the grizzly-bearded leader of the Grizz. The Barcelona-native is multilingual and a staunch advocate for community service. And he’s pretty hot, so yeah, we’ll be on the executive board for the Memphis Grizzlies Fan Club.
San Antonio Spurs
The Spurs won the title last year so they have to make this list, even though they are honestly the opposite of betchy. Tony Parker, Tim Duncan and Manu Ginobili lead this unattractive squad. And we hate Tony Parker, because he cheated on his ex-wife Eva Longoria when she was at the peak of her Desperate Housewives hotness and that’s super messed up. Tim Duncan, a.k.a. 38-year-old Father Time, is one of those respected “leaders” in the league, likely because he fought so gallantly storming the beaches of Normandy in 1944. Manu Ginoblii should be the next face, or more appropriately, hairline of Rogaine. Betches hate the Spurs.