Welcome to Literally The Worst, an irregular column where I call out shitty things that don’t get shit on nearly enough in our polite-ass society. Email me suggestions at firstname.lastname@example.org, and follow me on twitter at @betchesheadpro. I only tweet, like, once per week (unless it’s the VS Fashion Show), but following me will instantly make you sexier and more charming to all of your friends.
This week, let’s look at all things holiday related, starting with…
The “War on Christmas”
I thought this was something that stopped happening around the same time people stopped listening to the diarrhea that comes out of Bill Maher’s mouth, but apparently the “war” is still being waged. What constitutes the War on Christmas? Is it people saying “happy holidays” instead of “merry Christmas?” Because if so, you’d have to be pretty fucking obtuse to stick your head in the sand and ignore the fact that all those Jewz and Mooslims have holidays this time of year, too. Bundling Christmas with other holidays in “happy holidays” doesn’t cancel or negate the existence of Christmas, which at this point only has religious significance inasmuch as it’s one of two times per year Catholic wives can guilt their husbands into going to church. That said, if you’re the kind of tisk-tisker who corrects wishes of a merry christmas with “happy holidays,” go fuck yourself. Even if you don’t celebrate it, December 25 is still Christmas.
If the secular world is really fighting a war on Christmas, it’s about as effective as Nancy Reagan’s bullshit war on drugs. Christmas, as they say, is all around us. I’m pretty sure everyone in America, outside of some unlucky 911 operators and whatnot, get Christmas day off. And yet, the people complain about the religious dilution of Christmas while freely using it as an excuse to not work are the same ones who bitch about the Jews taking off for Hanukkah or whatever. I bet it’s nice to be Jewish. Eight days of presents sounds like the tits, and a lit menorah seems like it would make for a good weapon against home intruders.
Christmas Movies that aren’t “Love Actually,” “Die Hard” or “Christmas Vacation”
These are the best Christmas movies. This is not up for debate.
TV Commercials for iPhone Games
Ok, not really Christmas related, but what in the actual fuck? You’ve seen these – specifically “Forge of Empires” and “Game of War.” They both look like trailers for fucking Ridley Scott movies, and the latter even features Kate “My tits are my retirement plan” Upton. And yet, they are free to download and play. How does that work? What crackpot investor decided that the best way to reach their core demo was to sink Hollywood-level money into ads that air during Investigation Discovery reruns? How do these games make money? In-game ads? This very website features premium ads, has millions of readers per month and has a goddamned clothing shop. All that considered, I seriously doubt we could afford even one of Kate Upton’s boobs in a TV commercial. If we can, I need to have a serious talk with the Head Betches about my compensation (and Kate Upton’s boobs)…
The only thing I can think of is that downloading these games means the developers immediately sell literally ALL of your personal information to North Korea or some shit. If you play “Game of War,” congratulations: Kim Jong-un now knows what size tampons you buy.
Stores with “Extended” Black Friday Sales
Black Friday, as a concept, is ridiculous enough in and of itself – in 2014, where you can use the internet to pay cam girls by the minute to fellate zucchinis or whatever you’re into, people still get off on lining up in the cold to stampede around stores precisely the way cattle would in that situation. But, if you have a lot to buy and only one day to grab the best deals, I get it. That’s why it’s horseshit when I see places like Overstock.com, already the dregs of internet retail, advertising “extended Black Friday savings!” Bullshit. You can’t “extend” Black Friday into the future (we’ve already moved it up to like noon on Thanksgiving). If you’re running “Black Friday” deals in mid-December, then that’s just a regular fucking sale.
If this were a movie, it would be called “Thanksgiving Part 2: This Time, There’s Ham.” Once again, the Jews get it right – go to a friggin Chinese restaurant. I could CRUSHSLAM some general tso’s on Christmas.