No, I don’t have my ears pierced. And yes, my family is super happy about it.
1. One piercing in your ears was plenty, anything more than that was completely unacceptable.
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Forget places OTHER than your ears. You’re basically disowned.
2. Coming home with a tattoo meant imminent death.
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Vengeance would be swift for your butterfly tat.
3. You spent a lot of time listening to your parents complain about how many taxes they’re paying.
“When you’re older and making money, you’ll understand.” —My Dad
4. Your first name is very generic, because your parents look down on people with hippie names.
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Extra gold stars if you can add a II or III to your name.
5. You weren’t allowed to watch certain shows as a kid because of all the sex and cursing.
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Not that you wanted to watch those things with your parents present, because they most definitely would be.
6. Your parents chaperoned the school dance.
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Save room for the Lord.
7. And you were probably forced into a cotillion dance, if not a full-on debutante ball.
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8. If you ever got in trouble at school, your parents would defend you TO THE DEATH.
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9. Because the only person who was allowed to punish you was them.
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True love = tough love.
10. Being vegan was a sin.
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11. As meat, in general, came with every meal.
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12. Whenever you debuted a “fun” style choice, this was your parents’ reaction:
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SMDH at your bandeau top.
13. There was a general fear of hippies you were instilled with.
14. Not attending church was not an option, no matter how “sick” you claimed to be.
15. If the news was on, it was Fox News.
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16. And if the radio was on, you were listening to this guy.
17. Manners were a big fucking deal.
18. So was cursing, in that you weren’t allowed to do it.
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19. July 4 was not just a holiday, but something you LIVED.
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20. If you ever switched to being a liberal, they’d call it a “phase” and troll you for the rest of your life.
This phrase sound familiar? “Anyone under 30 who isn’t a liberal doesn’t have a heart. Anyone over 30 who isn’t a conservative doesn’t have a brain.”
21. Your parents have likely “evolved” on gay marriage, but don’t want to admit that wasn’t their opinion all along.
22. If your significant other comes home for the holidays, they will be sleeping down the hall and far away from you.
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23. Your parents spent most of the ’90s complaining about Bill Clinton.
24. And now they’ve moved on to President Obama.
25. Your parents had a favorite president, though, and it was Ronald Reagan.
26. You’ve become used to your parents’ unique sense of humor…
27. And have developed your own strong sense of humor as a result.
28. There were definitely moments when you’ve dreamed of completely rebelling.
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Like those two years where you were a vegan, but then totally caved when faced with a turkey burger one day. (READ: IT’S ME.)
29. But you also know that all of the strong, opinionated parts of you come from your parents.
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Thanks, Mom and Dad! Love, your daughter. (Who is still going through her Democrat “phase.”)